A
few extracts from my book "Nobody
just a tramp"
my bottom was burning
with pain and my sobbing was uncontrollable, almost spasmodic. As I pulled
my trousers up I looked at her, my vision blurred with tears.
Why was my mummy doing this to me? She was supposed to love me more than anyone
in the world; why was she hurting me?
Eyes that had once looked at me with love now stared hatred at me
they attacked me
again, kicking and punching me all over; in the face, the body, the privates,
everywhere. Again, I thought I was going to die and it didn't feel that it
would ever end. I was barely conscious when they stopped. I was face down.
I could see and smell my own blood, and could only hear muffled sounds. Then
I must have passed out
..As time went by, I became
more and more confused and frustrated. I only wanted to be loved and to be
part of something
although I was amongst my own family, I came to realise
that I didn't really know any of them - I was a stranger
"Dad, can I
come home please?" I have never felt such anticipation when asking a
question and doubt I ever will again. Dad took a long, deep sigh and paused.
I tried to see his face in the darkness for an expression but could not. "I
can't let you!" he managed to say. I could hear the upset in his voice
and tried hard to control my own feelings of distress after hearing his answer.
"Oh
" I replied
I started to panic
My
fingerprints were all over it, setting into the sticky blood - his drying
blood - and I had to sort myself out quickly. I paused and took a long deep
breath to gather myself together. My heart was still racing, but my thoughts
became clearer and I got an idea
After all, it was
quite clear that this world didn't have a space for me, otherwise I would
be living a wholesome life by now. I was just in the way; an unplanned accident
that was clogging up the world, a bit of life's litter blowing in and out
of the gutter
...I sat on a bench on
the train station platform and smoked a cigarette before lying down and going
to sleep. A couple of trains rumbled through slowly in the night waking me
up, and I watched as they trundled on into the darkness before returning to
my unsettled slumber...
...After we had eaten,
he asked me why I smoked cannabis. I like it, I replied. Itll
make you go crazy. It can make you schizophrenic and paranoid! he said,
sounding genuinely concerned. Of course, I didnt believe him and told
him so...
...Blood was running from
my nose and my mouth, and from the side of my head. I had nothing and no one,
and I had nowhere to go. Was this going to be the rest of my life? My self-pity
deepened and I wept...
...I
told you, I'm going to get a job. I'm going to make you and my family proud
of me. I'm going to make ME proud of me!" I answered, full of excitement.
"Okay. Show me!" he said calmly, looking at me with a satisfied
smile on his face. "Now go and heat some stew up, I'm starving!"...