Rejection from family. Roaming the streets. Sleeping rough. Sexual abuse. Rape. Confusion. Fighting. Stealing. Attempting suicide. Alcohol & Drug abuse. Self harm. This was my life.
I'm very fortunate - I was able to break out of this destructive cycle and move on...so many others are still there.
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A few extracts from my book "Nobody…just a tramp"
…my bottom was burning with pain and my sobbing was uncontrollable, almost spasmodic. As I pulled my trousers up I looked at her, my vision blurred with tears.
Why was my mummy doing this to me? She was supposed to love me more than anyone in the world; why was she hurting me?
Eyes that had once looked at me with love now stared hatred at me……they attacked me again, kicking and punching me all over; in the face, the body, the privates, everywhere. Again, I thought I was going to die and it didn't feel that it would ever end. I was barely conscious when they stopped. I was face down. I could see and smell my own blood, and could only hear muffled sounds. Then I must have passed out…
..As time went by, I became more and more confused and frustrated. I only wanted to be loved and to be part of something…although I was amongst my own family, I came to realise that I didn't really know any of them - I was a stranger…
…"Dad, can I come home please?" I have never felt such anticipation when asking a question and doubt I ever will again. Dad took a long, deep sigh and paused. I tried to see his face in the darkness for an expression but could not. "I can't let you!" he managed to say. I could hear the upset in his voice and tried hard to control my own feelings of distress after hearing his answer. "Oh…" I replied…
…I started to panic…My fingerprints were all over it, setting into the sticky blood - his drying blood - and I had to sort myself out quickly. I paused and took a long deep breath to gather myself together. My heart was still racing, but my thoughts became clearer and I got an idea…
…After all, it was quite clear that this world didn't have a space for me, otherwise I would be living a wholesome life by now. I was just in the way; an unplanned accident that was clogging up the world, a bit of life's litter blowing in and out of the gutter…
...I sat on a bench on the train station platform and smoked a cigarette before lying down and going to sleep. A couple of trains rumbled through slowly in the night waking me up, and I watched as they trundled on into the darkness before returning to my unsettled slumber...
...After we had eaten, he asked me why I smoked cannabis. “I like it”, I replied. “It’ll make you go crazy. It can make you schizophrenic and paranoid!” he said, sounding genuinely concerned. Of course, I didn’t believe him and told him so...
...Blood was running from my nose and my mouth, and from the side of my head. I had nothing and no one, and I had nowhere to go. Was this going to be the rest of my life? My self-pity deepened and I wept...
...I told you, I'm going to get a job. I'm going to make you and my family proud of me. I'm going to make ME proud of me!" I answered, full of excitement. "Okay. Show me!" he said calmly, looking at me with a satisfied smile on his face. "Now go and heat some stew up, I'm starving!"...
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